Tasks of a Child's First Six Years

One of the parenting books I referenced in an effort to understand my sons was Your Child's Self Esteem by Dorothy Corkille Briggs.  In it, the author explains the reasoning behind a child's actions.  The following are concepts and information taken from that book.

    First Six Years of Life

A child's cooperation up into the second year results from his not knowing any other way to behave.

Task #1: Separateness - (Age of Negativism, The Terrible Two's - The Age of Separateness)

A. Only by practicing separateness can the child capture the feeling of autonomy.  "To find me I must defy you - I have to prove my realness."

B. A child's capacity to respect others later on is measured by his capacity to respect himself now.

C. Diring the second year of life the child's primary psychological assignment is to forge a sense of self.  To do so he or she needs recognition that this self exists.

D. Autonomy is the foundation stone to future self-esteem.

E.  Practical suggestions of how you can help your child of two experience his separateness while keeping your own nerves intact:
     1. Fit his environment to his needs, eliminating as many frustrations as possible.
     2. Give him time to move from one activity to another as this age resists change.
     3. Picking up toys is easier if you play a game together.
     4. Shifting the child from one activity to another via the route of games is almost always standard   procedure.
     5. Positive suggestions are preferable to direct orders.
     6. Using a kitchen timer helps a child avoid seeing Mom or Dad as the heavy.
     7. Invent nonsense games that allow "No's" to be practiced:  "Can Teddy fly in the sky like a bird?" or "Is milk pink?"

F.  Be aware of the following:
     1. Tyrants rule the pot - You go a long way preserving your sanity and your child's self esteem by either forgetting toilet training during this period or clearly indicating that he rules this department.
     2. Separateness breeds anxiety - The toddler craves independence but he fears desertion.
     3. Separateness means possession - To fully share, a person must first fully possess.  Only 50% of "three's" can share, and then only briefly.

Task #2: Achievement and Recognition - Once the child realizes he is separate, he strives to master himself and his environment.  Mastery underlies the feeling of competence.

A. Every time you undercut or belittle or give tasks beyond his ability, you work against the second task of self-hood - the need for mastery and recognition.

B. Practical suggestions to provide experiences that allow success:
     1. An environment that does not overwhelm.
     2. Simple, sturdy clothes.
     3. Step stools to reach faucets and light switches.
     4. Low hooks.
     5. Non carpeted floor areas.
     6. Plastic dishes and glasses.
     7. Sturdy books and toys that take rough treatment.
     8. Inexpensive furniture scaled to size.
     9. Sturdy outdoor play equipment.
     10. Sand or dirt for digging.
     11. Plenty of water to splash in outside.
     12. Space for running, jumping, and climbing.

Task #3: Initiative - Whenever possible accept each sign of initiative.  Don't crush initiative by expecting perfection in your child's budding abilitites in dressing himself, willingness to help, etc.

Task #4: Attachment to the opposite-sexed parent.

By three the child is usually aware that he is a boy or girl.  Somewhere between three and five, he needs to experience his maleness or femaleness in relation to the opposite-sexed parent.  This task begins the establishment of sexual roles.

A. Emotional attachment at this age provides each child with his first safe attempt at extablishing a romantic relationship.

B. Calm acceptance of attachment needs and the avoidance of provocative acts permit a youngster to understand, "My feelings are all right.  There is nothing wrong with me for having them.  My parents will help me keep them within bounds."

C. Helpful suggestions:
     1. Preferred sex set limits.
     2. Be aware of playing one against the other.  Ex.: teasing son by holding hands with husband.
     3. If the parent of the opposite sex is not in your home, actively seek such a person to expose to your youngster such as a neighbor, friend, or relative who is especially warm and responsive.  It needs to be someone you know well and trust explicitly.

An aside here: When I taught "Divorce and Children", this is when I would caution the parents to not let their child become attached to whomever the adult was dating if it was not a serious relationship that would last.  If there were several men or women coming and going in the adult's life because they were dating, then the child could continuously be seeking to complete this task and become confused and emotional.  It needs to be a person who is constant and stable in the child's life if possible such as a grandparent or sibling of the parent.

Task #5: Self-Centeredness

A.  Around five-and-a-half in girls and six in boys, an important psychological shift occurs.  The center of the child's universe moves from parent to child.

B. Things to be aware of:
     1. Self-centeredness comes before other-centeredness.
     2. The child's need to think of himself first does not mean that you should constantly give in to him.  It does mean that you must not make him feel guilty about total self-absorption.
     3. Be empathic but protect your rights.

Task #6: Preference for the Same Sex

A. By six, boys begin preferring masculine company and pursuits while girls prefer their mothers and other girls.

B. A prolonged period of identifying with his own sex gives the child a feeling of masculinity or femininity.  It helps establish sexual identify.

Keep in mind:
     1. The conscience only begins to take shape around age six.  Even then, however, the sense of right and wrong is shaky at best.  It needs much outside support from adults.
     2. Only as children complete the above tasks are they free for further growth.
    3. Socialization is a long, complicated process.  It requires repeated teaching in a nurturing atmosphere.
     4. Role Identification - Tying a person's sexuality to set ways of feeling and behaving is now challenged as limiting potentials.  Ex. Girls should not be aggressive or play with trucks or boys should not play with dolls or be tender. We have come a long way in understanding that!

When I used this information in teaching parenting classes, we would discuss each of this tasks and give examples, but in an effort to keep this material as true to the Your Child's Self Esteem book, I have refrained from doing so here.  Hope this is helpful.