As I look back at the actions my husband and I took in raising our sons, I realize that it was structured from what I had learned in training to teach the course "Parent To Parent" by The Passage Group, Inc. (in association with PRIDE National Parents' Resource Institute for Drug Education, Inc.) featuring Bill Oliver. This program defines PARENT as: P - put yourself in the way; A - awareness is your best friend; R - remember the difference; E - expect and inspect; N - never cry alone; T - take time for yourself. As I discuss what worked for us, I will connect those actions to this acrostic.
When our sons were little, we would have parties with parents and kids together (like New Year's Eve parties, birthday parties, swim or beach parties, play dates, ...) The adults did not drink with children there because that would be exposing them to a culture to which they should not be involved with at their ages. It is not uncommon for parents to drink or smoke in front of their children, have them get beers out of the fridge or cooler, mix their drinks for them, bring them their smokes or matches, thus participating in a minor way in the parent's drinking or smoking. In the Addiction Tree, this would encourage the Thought, Consideration, and Attitude that these are okay actions without realizing that drinking and smoking are regulated by law based on age and body chemistry. Basically, alcohol will leave a fully mature body faster than a child's since a child is still growing and developing. A child's liver does not process alcohol as efficiently, which is why a child who binge drinks is at a greater risk of becoming an alcoholic. Therefore, as a parent, we need to postpone their involvement with drinking and smoking. If there is a pre-disposition to alcoholism in a family, the child needs to know that he or she cannot even drink socially as others do because they would be even more susceptible to alcoholism.
As our sons grew, we welcomed opportunities to enjoy our sons and their friends at our house knowing we would keep it safe and alcohol/drug-free. When one son graduated from middle school, he and a friend had a graduation party at the house. Besides swimming, the boys set up a stage and mikes for singing and karaoke. I called the parents of every child invited (over 100) and told them about the party, assuring them that we would have plenty of food, non-alcoholic beverages, and chaperones (inviting their participation if they chose.) We also told them no child would be allowed to leave and come back without an acceptable explanation from the child and parent. That way, everyone knew the parameters of the event, and we followed through. The party was a success! Another son wanted a couples sleepover after the senior prom because he knew partying at a hotel room would not be permitted. Thankfully, the guest list was smaller and I again called all parents and told them the same thing about food, beverages, and chaperones, promising this time that one of us would be awake and visible throughout the night. After prom, the couples had a wonderful time in the pool, playing pool and games, and snacking, and some even slept, but no one engaged in sex or alcohol or drugs because we kept our word - we were with them and visible all night.
When our sons were invited to parties at other houses, I would follow the same principles. I would call the parents of the hosting child, tell them one (or more) of my sons was invited to their house for a party on a certain day. I offered to help chaperone and donate sodas and snacks. This let them know that 1 - a party was scheduled at their house, 2 - I expected there to be chaperones, and 3 - I expected there to not be alcohol. Parent responses varied each time! Once the parent said "Thank you. We had something scheduled to do and did not know about a party!" Another time the parent said, "Oh that's okay. We were going to give them their space and try not to be in the way." Our sons did not go to that party because of our boundaries. The one that bothered me the most was when a father told me, "I knew you would call when my child said yours were invited. But don't worry. I am having a keg since it is their high school graduation, but I will take all the kids' keys so no one could leave under the influence and try to drive home." Needless to say, our sons did not go to this party either. And a good thing because others heard about the party, showed up uninvited, caused a fight which involved the police, and the fines and other consequences were incurred by the children involved AND the parent who provided the alcohol.
Fortunately for us, our sons understood our values and beliefs because we practiced them. "If it wasn't legal, it wasn't acceptable." As they matured and showed their responsibility, dependability, and accountability, they earned our trust. And with trust came additional freedom. We expect and inspect! (E) Their boundaries varied based on the events. We would discuss where they were going and with whom, when it would end, if they were going anywhere afterwards, and we would set up an appropriate curfew. They could not call after they were out and ask to spend the night at someone's house unless they came home and saw us first. They also knew one of us would be up when they got home from any event. We would hug them, check their eyes, and smell their breath! They knew the reason we did that because it was part of the discussions and agreements we made with them as they grew and earned more freedoms. When all three were going out and coming home at different times, they would have to wake one of us up if we had fallen asleep. We (P) put ourselves in their lives by showing up at all their functions - track meets, swimming meets, concerts, scouting events, even working the concession at football games and chaperoning for trips, etc... We were supportive and gave them an out to their friends. "You know I can't have anything. My folks are coming or will be up when I get home" or "I can't drive you guys home if I drink. I don't want to lose my license." As they got older (with some of their friends becoming 21 before they did) and it wasn't easy to leave a party that turns out to have liquor, they came up with strategies of their own to combat the peer pressure: drinking an uncola with a little cola in it to look like a mixed drink, adding a cherry to their soda, setting the beer down and "forgetting it" or carrying around a can filled with something nonalcoholic. Our sons' freedoms, driving and having use of a car, having their insurance covered by us, getting to do certain things all hinged on our ability to trust them. Their friends liked and respected us and enjoyed spending time at our house so it became no big deal; they understood. On paper it sounds harsh but it reality, it worked and the five of us were in agreement every step of the way.
When our oldest son went to Australia as an exchange student at 20, he was at the legal drinking age there. When he asked us how we felt about his drinking while there, we said, "If it is legal, you are fine." Therefore, when he came home at 21, we went as a family to celebrate the missed 21st birthday. The younger brothers shared a pitcher of soda while we shared a pitcher of beer. We laughed so much as he relayed his experiences in an Australian accent that our youngest asked if he was going to have to go out with us for his 21st birthday. We told him yes, that it was a writ of passage! And we did with all of them. Our middle son's friends rang our door at midnight on his birthday and took him to a bar that gave a free drink to the birthday person according to the bouncer checking id's. The bartender said she only did that for regulars. He explained that he couldn't be a regular because he had just turned 21. She then gave him several free drinks until they closed. When we went to take him out that evening for our birthday celebration, he decided he would just be happy with a Denny's meal! As for son number 3, we all met at Ybor City and bar hopped as a family. It was fun and safe and full of great memories.
Now, as we visit our sons around the globe, we enjoy seeing the pubs, bars, clubs, etc.. with them as adults. It is wonderful to be friends!
