Developing the Sense of Responsibility

As a parent, one of our goals for our children is that they develop a sense of responsibility.  This concept can be introduced at a young age by allowing them to help.  Let them set the table starting with napkins and then adding silverware, cups, plates, etc... as they are capable.  This teaches them one-to-one correspondence - one napkin for each place - as well.  Letting them bring you their place settings when they are done or empty the room trash cans into the big trash receptacle are other ways.  Cleaning up any mess they make teaches responsibility and accountability for one's actions.

I would let my sons make their own beds but taught it in steps, working backward with the process.  First, I would make it up to the point where the cover went on, and that was their task.  Then, I would not go quite as far in the bed making so they were gradually doing more each day or week until they were doing it all.  This way, they always felt a sense of accomplishment without my having to "finish" or "redo" what they had done, a sure way to discourage effort.

Putting away their toys was also their responsibility.  We had toy boxes so it would be an easy process.  When we graduated to bins, they learned to sort or only work with toys in one bin at a time.  We allowed time before the bedtime reading and tuck-ins to put things away.  If they chose not to do so, items left out went into one big box in which they would have to hunt to find their stuff, or into a bag which was put out of their sight and reach until a later time decided by the parent.

Laundry was done in a similar manner.  At first, I washed everything and then they sorted their clothes (since they knew which "under-roos" were whose!)  When they had their own rooms, they had their own hampers.  I had a day assigned to each for laundry, so if it was in the hamper on their day, it was washed.  If not, they would have to ask their brothers for permission to include the forgotten items in with their clothes.  As they aged, I taught them how to do their own laundry if something was forgotten, but it had to be a full load - once again requiring them to ask a brother if he had something to add.

Chores were assigned or selected or traded at family meetings held informally each week.  This could include washing dishes, emptying the trash, vacuuming, helping pick up leaves or wash the car, and the various household and yard responsibilities of being a family member. Affirmations and discussions of any problems were accomplished at these meetings as well.  Dr. Dinkmeyer's book mentioned previously discusses family meetings.

 Boy Scouts also helped teach the boys a lot about responsibility and commitment.  It also prepared them for the fellowship found in a well-balanced life.

Overall, I believe one of the strongest teachers of responsibility is having a pet.  When our youngest son was 16 months of age, we became the owners of a Chesapeake Bay retriever puppy whom we named Woodsie.  Our friends took her sister.  Our sons were able to watch her grow up and in the process learned all the phases of an animal's life and the responsibilities involved with each stage.

 Having Woodsie taught our sons what was necessary to take care of a living animal.  They learned to feed her and make certain she had water and a clean dish.

They played with her inside and out, showing her lots of love and affection.  She was part of the family!

They also learned to let her rest, rather with them or alone when she needed it.

Woodsie was such an amazing dog for the boys.  I was able to teach her the safe area for her to be, where she would never be punished or scolded, and where she was not permitted, such as in the bedrooms and the living room.  (Even when we moved to the new house, she would run from the family room through the rec room to the foyer rather than go through the living room!)  She learned to not jump on the boys when they were running and even limped her paws when rough housing with them so they would not get scratched.  We could not have asked for a better dog and when we put her to rest at age 16, it was hard on all of us.  As my youngest son expressed it, taking care of Woodsie helped with responsibility, love, boundaries, as well as handling the loss when she passed. There were other pets, such as hamsters, birds, fish, even a baby squirrel, but Woodsie was there through most of their childhood.  She was loved!

There are many ways to teach responsibility to a child besides modeling it.  Be creative and enjoy being the teacher in preparing a child for success in life.

Developing a Love for Reading

Reading has always been an important part of my life as a child and as an adult.  I wanted to instill that in my children so we started reading to them and buying them books from birth! We began their library with Dr. Seuss and Mickey Mouse books.

 Even when a child is an infant, you can hold them and read to them while they nurse or eat, as well as incorporate reading in their bedtime ritual.  My husband would read one or more of them the newspaper while he caught up on the news for himself.  Weekend mornings began with their joining us in bed with books in hand.  My husband had the stories memorized so that he could even "read" them with his eyes shut!

You can see that the youngest was involved with the storytelling time as well.  He had brothers reading to him as an infant.

The first son has always read to his younger brother!

So there was no problem with his continuing the habit! Because of their upbringing with a book always a ready item, all three developed a love for reading together and independently.

A love of reading helps vocabulary, learning, creativity, imagination, friendship, to name a few, and encourages lifelong learning!  Teaching your child to read and enjoy the written word is a must for every parent who wants to not only help but also enjoy a child! Just looking at the pictures of my sons enjoying their books brings back such wonderful memories for my husband and me, and judging by their responses to my posts, they are sharing the same feelings!

Tasks of a Child's First Six Years

One of the parenting books I referenced in an effort to understand my sons was Your Child's Self Esteem by Dorothy Corkille Briggs.  In it, the author explains the reasoning behind a child's actions.  The following are concepts and information taken from that book.

    First Six Years of Life

A child's cooperation up into the second year results from his not knowing any other way to behave.

Task #1: Separateness - (Age of Negativism, The Terrible Two's - The Age of Separateness)

A. Only by practicing separateness can the child capture the feeling of autonomy.  "To find me I must defy you - I have to prove my realness."

B. A child's capacity to respect others later on is measured by his capacity to respect himself now.

C. Diring the second year of life the child's primary psychological assignment is to forge a sense of self.  To do so he or she needs recognition that this self exists.

D. Autonomy is the foundation stone to future self-esteem.

E.  Practical suggestions of how you can help your child of two experience his separateness while keeping your own nerves intact:
     1. Fit his environment to his needs, eliminating as many frustrations as possible.
     2. Give him time to move from one activity to another as this age resists change.
     3. Picking up toys is easier if you play a game together.
     4. Shifting the child from one activity to another via the route of games is almost always standard   procedure.
     5. Positive suggestions are preferable to direct orders.
     6. Using a kitchen timer helps a child avoid seeing Mom or Dad as the heavy.
     7. Invent nonsense games that allow "No's" to be practiced:  "Can Teddy fly in the sky like a bird?" or "Is milk pink?"

F.  Be aware of the following:
     1. Tyrants rule the pot - You go a long way preserving your sanity and your child's self esteem by either forgetting toilet training during this period or clearly indicating that he rules this department.
     2. Separateness breeds anxiety - The toddler craves independence but he fears desertion.
     3. Separateness means possession - To fully share, a person must first fully possess.  Only 50% of "three's" can share, and then only briefly.

Task #2: Achievement and Recognition - Once the child realizes he is separate, he strives to master himself and his environment.  Mastery underlies the feeling of competence.

A. Every time you undercut or belittle or give tasks beyond his ability, you work against the second task of self-hood - the need for mastery and recognition.

B. Practical suggestions to provide experiences that allow success:
     1. An environment that does not overwhelm.
     2. Simple, sturdy clothes.
     3. Step stools to reach faucets and light switches.
     4. Low hooks.
     5. Non carpeted floor areas.
     6. Plastic dishes and glasses.
     7. Sturdy books and toys that take rough treatment.
     8. Inexpensive furniture scaled to size.
     9. Sturdy outdoor play equipment.
     10. Sand or dirt for digging.
     11. Plenty of water to splash in outside.
     12. Space for running, jumping, and climbing.

Task #3: Initiative - Whenever possible accept each sign of initiative.  Don't crush initiative by expecting perfection in your child's budding abilitites in dressing himself, willingness to help, etc.

Task #4: Attachment to the opposite-sexed parent.

By three the child is usually aware that he is a boy or girl.  Somewhere between three and five, he needs to experience his maleness or femaleness in relation to the opposite-sexed parent.  This task begins the establishment of sexual roles.

A. Emotional attachment at this age provides each child with his first safe attempt at extablishing a romantic relationship.

B. Calm acceptance of attachment needs and the avoidance of provocative acts permit a youngster to understand, "My feelings are all right.  There is nothing wrong with me for having them.  My parents will help me keep them within bounds."

C. Helpful suggestions:
     1. Preferred sex set limits.
     2. Be aware of playing one against the other.  Ex.: teasing son by holding hands with husband.
     3. If the parent of the opposite sex is not in your home, actively seek such a person to expose to your youngster such as a neighbor, friend, or relative who is especially warm and responsive.  It needs to be someone you know well and trust explicitly.

An aside here: When I taught "Divorce and Children", this is when I would caution the parents to not let their child become attached to whomever the adult was dating if it was not a serious relationship that would last.  If there were several men or women coming and going in the adult's life because they were dating, then the child could continuously be seeking to complete this task and become confused and emotional.  It needs to be a person who is constant and stable in the child's life if possible such as a grandparent or sibling of the parent.

Task #5: Self-Centeredness

A.  Around five-and-a-half in girls and six in boys, an important psychological shift occurs.  The center of the child's universe moves from parent to child.

B. Things to be aware of:
     1. Self-centeredness comes before other-centeredness.
     2. The child's need to think of himself first does not mean that you should constantly give in to him.  It does mean that you must not make him feel guilty about total self-absorption.
     3. Be empathic but protect your rights.

Task #6: Preference for the Same Sex

A. By six, boys begin preferring masculine company and pursuits while girls prefer their mothers and other girls.

B. A prolonged period of identifying with his own sex gives the child a feeling of masculinity or femininity.  It helps establish sexual identify.

Keep in mind:
     1. The conscience only begins to take shape around age six.  Even then, however, the sense of right and wrong is shaky at best.  It needs much outside support from adults.
     2. Only as children complete the above tasks are they free for further growth.
    3. Socialization is a long, complicated process.  It requires repeated teaching in a nurturing atmosphere.
     4. Role Identification - Tying a person's sexuality to set ways of feeling and behaving is now challenged as limiting potentials.  Ex. Girls should not be aggressive or play with trucks or boys should not play with dolls or be tender. We have come a long way in understanding that!

When I used this information in teaching parenting classes, we would discuss each of this tasks and give examples, but in an effort to keep this material as true to the Your Child's Self Esteem book, I have refrained from doing so here.  Hope this is helpful.