"Self-esteem is a positive view of oneself....Our feelings of self-worth are beliefs that form
the basis of our personality and determine how we use our abilities. When we believe we
are valuable, lovable, and worthwhile, we are more ready to meet life's challenges."
As adults, we can review our history to see what actions had help make us who we are and analyze our perceptions of events in our past to determine if we had interpreted them accurately. Children have to learn to do this by trial and error. We can guide them. The first step in that is developing mutual respect. That is where you both believe and behave as if you are "unconditionally valuable" (PYC). You treat your child with respect and expect the same treatment from the child. This respect is modeled and demonstrated between partners and friends and observed by the child. Screaming, hitting, threatening, belittling, not letting them do things for themselves all show lack of respect. But letting the child take charge inappropriately is not showing respect for yourself. For examples, spend time observing others when you are out and about or when watching television or a movie or even sharing a book. Discuss these situations with your children as to what is acceptable and respectful and what is not and why. Use negative actions observed to teach what you would like to see happen if it were your family in that situation. You can't eliminate the outside influences but you can neutralize those that you do not want your children to model. True, children need to learn from their mistakes, but you don't want the consequences to be harmful to the child. And your job as a parent is to give the child the information to make good choices knowing that ultimately the choice is up to the child making it.
I found that encouraging my sons, recognizing effort and improvement, and frankly discussing what the each child's goal was helps. Brainstorming solutions so the child learns that sense of decision-making and the resulting feelings of success for a good decision or reanalyzing to try again is beneficial. We see babies do that when they are learning to pull themselves up and toddlers do that when putting blocks in holes. But as they grow, we often find that risk-taking wain by discouragement of others fearful for the child, or by praise rather than encouragement from the parent that takes the focus off of the child being self-motivated and puts it on striving to please others. We must believe in our children if they are going to believe in themselves.
Don't forget to take time for fun with your children.
Let them know that they are unconditionally loved by your words and actions. That sense of security and "all is right in their world" lets them know they can be themselves, that you all have the courage to be imperfect, and that you are there for each other as a family.
