Practical Parenting X 3: The Birds and Bees Conversation

The Birds and Bees Conversation

When our sons began including girls in their group activities, their dad and I decided it was time to combine their knowledge on sex with our values in our version of the infamous “birds and bees” talk.  When I was the Parent Resource Program Coordinator, I was involved with the school district’s Health Education Curriculum, so I knew what they had been taught so far on the subjects dealing with sex education.

To acknowledge their maturing, we took them for the first time to a neat restaurant with privacy-providing booths to hear a local band they had wished to see.  During appetizers, the conversation went something like this with a lot of laughter and give and take bantering to lighten the heaviness of the conversation.

Parents: Now that you guys are getting older and showing an interest in girls, Dad and I felt there were things we needed to share with you.  One of our jobs as parents is to provide you with the information you need to make good choices.  So, when you’re out with a girl and you start necking and petting…

Sons: What does that mean?

Parents: Oh, kissing and touching all over.

Sons: Eeew.

Parents:  Believe me, you will.  And it will feel good, so good that you won’t want to stop.  We want you to be thinking with this head (pointing to their heads) rather than the other one when the time comes.

Sons:  Mom! Dad! (We all laughed!)

Parents:  Anyway!  It will start feeling good and you may want to do more.  Know that each choice you make from here on out has consequences.  You know how a baby is conceived and that abstinence is the only full-proof method to prevent pregnancy.  But did you know that there are sperm in the lubrication juices you create?  So, if you just rub your privates (penis) around her privates (vulva), she can still get pregnant.  And why is that?

Sons:  Because sperm swim.

Parents:  You guys did pay attention in school!  Yes.  Sperm swim.  So, if you decide to use the withdrawal method and pull out before you come, what can happen?

Sons: She can get pregnant – because sperm swim.

Parents:  Right! Some couples use what they call the rhythm method where they time when they have intercourse around the female’s menstrual cycle.  She is most fertile in the middle of her cycle, a cycle which starts when she starts bleeding.  So if she is regular and can determine when she will ovulate, they would avoid the days in the middle when she is most fertile.  Many teens think it starts two weeks after her period ends, instead of when her period begins, so they often have sex at the wrong time and she gets pregnant.  Do you think you would want to ask your date during this amorous time what her cycle is?  No?  Kind of a mood breaker!

                So if you really want to have sex, you will have to take other precautions knowing that nothing is full-proof except abstinence.  The use of condoms is one alternative that is under the responsibility of the boy.  But with condoms there are things you need to know.  Check the expiration date to make sure it is still useable.  Check the package to see that it has not been punctured.  If it is lubricated, know that it goes “lubrication out” when you put it on.  And use one with Noxell 9 since that can kill the HIV virus.  When putting it on, it rolls with the roll on the outside. Be sure to leave enough room at the top to hold what you ejaculate since you don’t want it to burst.  And take it off after the first use; it can’t be used again.  (This gave the instructions on how to use a condom without giving them the condoms or permission to have sex.)

                What if she says she is on the pill or using some other birth control method? Ask yourself why she is on birth control.  I would question it unless you guys are older and have been seeing this girl for a long time.  And is she being truthful? One of your Godfathers has a child because the mother said she was on the pill.  She was lying because she wanted him to marry her.  They didn’t marry, but he will be paying her child support until this child is an adult.  Besides that, many things can affect birth control pills.  If the girl has gained a lot of weight, doesn’t remember to take the pill every day or takes it at irregular times of the day, is taking an antibiotic for some other issue – all could negate the effect and success of the pill.  The in-your-arm birth control can also be affected by all of these but the timing of taking.  As for the other ways, do some fact-finding before going further. This would halt the “spur of the moment” sex drive, which is not a bad thing.  We know you guys are still young, but unless you want this talk frequently throughout your life, we’ll touch on everything now and be available if you have any questions later on.  Okay? 

                Say you take precautions and she still gets pregnant, what are your choices? She can choose to have an abortion.  Emotionally, this is so hard.  It may be the right thing to do if it means a baby having a baby, but down the road, many have regrets and religious conflicts.  It is her body and she needs to make the decision.  Parenting is not an easy, inexpensive hobby.  It is a life-time commitment for everyone involved.  It takes more than love and can be so wonderful if you are in a position to enjoy it.  You are not at an age to be a good father for your child since you are still learning and growing yourselves.  And know that this could have been your first-born child and our grandchild.  Not an easy decision.  You will need to be there for her but why put either of you in that position.

                If she decides to have the baby and give it up for adoption, you have no say.  (The law has since changed.)  You remember your friend from church whose girlfriend got pregnant the first time they had sex and she gave up the baby boy.  He and his family are still torn up about it since first sons are a big deal in his culture and they would have liked to have had him in their lives.  We would feel the same way knowing one of our grandchildren belongs to someone else.  That is hard. 

                If she decides to have the baby and keep it, she will be in your life forever whether you love her or not.  Will you marry her?  If not, how will you tell future girlfriends or your future wife that you have a child?  When in the relationship will you tell them? If they already know, you will be concerned about what they expect from you sexually.  Dating and learning what love is all about is hard enough.  Once you start having sex in a relationship, sex often becomes the focus of the relationship and halts the “getting to know you” portion that is so important in “true love” and a lasting marriage.  

                Your best bet in not getting a girl pregnant is to abstain until marriage.  Then, when you do decide to have a child, you will be in the position to handle all the joys of having a child and all the responsibilities that come with it.

                And male or female, your virginity is a gift you can only give once so be very, very sure that whomever you give it to is worthy of the gift.